Here's the thing: Our brains are hardwired to attack anything it perceives as a threat. It's an ancient mechanism in our brainstem, from whence the famed "fight or flight" reflex comes. And it doesn't matter whether the threat is real or perceived or whether its a physical threat or an emotional one. The amygdala doesn't decipher those nuances. Evolutionarily, "fight or flight" has been a huge advantage in terms of keeping us alive. It has also been tremendously effective in weeding out those who either don't "fight" strong enough, or who don't "fly away" fast enough. The result, after millennia of doing this and passing it down one generation to the next, is a highly honed sense of attacking perceived threats or fleeing from them. Is it any wonder that most of us are either fierce attackers in battle or superb evaders of conflict?
This reptilian part of our limbic system hasn't changed in eons. In 2012, this patterning in the brain seems about as meaningful as our appendix. It's a vestige from our past, and unlike the appendix which is either negligible most of the time or explosive only once prior to being removed, our brainstem is often governing our interactions and exploding constantly. It may seem a tad reductive, but many of our current problems can be traced back to this reflexive anger that gets triggered in us when we perceive a threat.
I see it most clearly in the couples I work with. When couples fight, typically, everyone is just doing what they know to do. If they knew something different, they'd likely do something different. In fact, as we work in therapy to build up the newer parts of the brain, and not simply respond from our ancient defenses, that is exactly what happens. Generally speaking, most of us were not taught how to be happily married. We especially were not taught how to resolve conflict in such a way that it bolsters mutual happiness. No, most of us were taught to win. However, happily married people will tell you, there is no winning when we're at war with the ones we love.
Winning, evolutionarily, means survival. So, it seems like a decent value to hold. Here's the tricky part: Let's say a couple is embroiled in conflict. There is so much pain, it's like a fire burning up the house. And let's say their only tool, innately given, evolutionarily honed, is to fight fire with fire. So, in their best effort to "win," they take the already heated battle and pour gasoline on it. Then wonder why they got burned and why their home is destroyed. The tools we have are insufficient. When we get that insight, we realize we're gonna have to grow. When this happens, we put down our anger, our defensiveness, our "gasoline," and we say instead something like, "We are allies. And i feel really hurt and sad and scared and betrayed that..." And that is when we stop adding gasoline to the fire. This is when we start to heal.
Post Script-- The process of rewiring our brains takes Time, just like it took Time to wire them in the first place. The hard-wiring takes place over anywhere between 5 and millions of years, depending on who ya ask. In all likelihood it will take less Time to rewire than to wire. Good news is that the brain is incredibly elastic, and is designed to constantly be forming new neural connections. Even people with devastating brain damage show an ability to grow new neural pathways. Just read anything by Oliver Sacks, Dan Siegel or Louis Cozolino. So, you see, never lose hope, never give up. We'll all have relapses with our anger and defensiveness, but stay with it. Not only are we innately gifted our "fight or flight" response, we're also hard-wired for growth. Choice is ours.
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