The Old and the New

Once upon a time, in Germany of all places, there lived the first people to ever make their way into the study of people's minds.  People have been philosophizing about the role of the soul in people's lives since ancient times.  There are brilliant works on the topic dating back to ancient India, Greece, and China.  However, it wasn't until the Europeans got their Western Scientific hands on it that the field of Psychology was born.  Wilhelm Wundt (say that in your best German accent) set up the first Psychology Laboratory and thus began the West's entree into the mystical realm of psyche.

The word "psyche" means "soul."  Thus, "psychology" is simply the "study of the soul."  Western Science loves to examine and study things, so psychology got quite a lot of attention.  However, back in the days of Wundt and Freud, scientists had to adhere to the stringent rules governing scientific inquiry.  Namely, as scientists, they agreed to study only that which was observable to the 5 senses.  This was an agreement that pleased both The Church, and the field of Science.  Science focused on the physical, not the metaphysical, and everyone was happy.  So, instead of studying the soul, they studied behavior, they analyzed people's thoughts, they tried to interpret people's dreams, they observed the innate behaviors of children, they postulated about aggression and sexuality, and on and on.

The culture that existed in the late 19th Century in Freud's Vienna, for example, was Victorian in nature, repressed as the day is long.  Piano legs had to be covered up as they were thought to be too risque.  Naturally, the "issues" that people had back then looked very different from what we have going on in our lives today.   Our culture has swung so incredibly far from Victorian Era principles, it's silly.  We can hardly imagine living by those values and ideals.  Yet, that is the backdrop of "modern" psychology.  And that is what most people associate with therapy.  Oops...

The evolution from Freudian analysis to Jung and Adler, to Skinner's Behavioralism, to Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow's Humanism to Rollo May's inclusion of Existentialism, to Cognitive-Behaviorism, and Interpersonal Neurophysiology,  to Spiritual Psychology, Positive Psychology, Mindfulness-Based approaches and Solution-Focused Therapies  has been essential to our gaining a whole understanding of how to help people heal their insides.  That is a compacted list, and says nothing about other fields of science and technology, nor about art, philosophy, music, politics, and cultural commentary.  As an integrationist, I look to all these sources and try to synthesize a treatment approach tailored to the specifics of each person.  It would be easier to adopt a single view and widely apply it.  However, history and Reason disallow that.  Today, we have the benefit of all that we know, and all that we know we don't know.  The myth that somehow there will be one single idea that will be a cure-all has to be dispelled.  We have to do better, think better, so that we can live better.  That is my mission.

Fighting Fire with Fire (great, now we have 2 fires)

      Here's the thing: Our brains are hardwired to attack anything it perceives as a threat.  It's an ancient mechanism in our brainstem, from whence the famed "fight or flight" reflex comes.  And it doesn't matter whether the threat is real or perceived or whether its a physical threat or an emotional one.  The amygdala doesn't decipher those nuances.  Evolutionarily, "fight or flight" has been a huge advantage in terms of keeping us alive.  It has also been tremendously effective in weeding out those who either don't "fight" strong enough, or who don't "fly away" fast enough.  The result, after millennia of doing this and passing it down one generation to the next, is a highly honed sense of attacking perceived threats or fleeing from them.  Is it any wonder that most of us are either fierce attackers in battle or superb evaders of conflict?
     This reptilian part of our limbic system hasn't changed in eons.  In 2012, this patterning in the brain seems about as meaningful as our appendix.  It's a vestige from our past, and unlike the appendix which is either negligible most of the time or explosive only once prior to being removed, our brainstem is often governing our interactions and exploding constantly.  It may seem a tad reductive, but many of our current problems can be traced back to this reflexive anger that gets triggered in us when we perceive a threat.
     I see it most clearly in the couples I work with.  When couples fight, typically, everyone is just doing what they know to do.  If they knew something different, they'd likely do something different.  In fact, as we work in therapy to build up the newer parts of the brain, and not simply respond from our ancient defenses, that is exactly what happens.  Generally speaking, most of us were not taught how to be happily married.  We especially were not taught how to resolve conflict in such a way that it bolsters mutual happiness.  No, most of us were taught to win.  However, happily married people will tell you, there is no winning when we're at war with the ones we love.
     Winning, evolutionarily, means survival.  So, it seems like a decent value to hold.  Here's the tricky part: Let's say a couple is embroiled in conflict.  There is so much pain, it's like a fire burning up the house.  And let's say their only tool, innately given, evolutionarily honed, is to fight fire with fire.  So, in their best effort to "win," they take the already heated battle and pour gasoline on it.  Then wonder why they got burned and why their home is destroyed.  The tools we have are insufficient. When we get that insight, we realize we're gonna have to grow.  When this happens, we put down our anger, our defensiveness, our "gasoline," and we say instead something like, "We are allies.  And i feel really hurt and sad and scared and betrayed that..."  And that is when we stop adding gasoline to the fire.  This is when we start to heal.

Post Script-- The process of rewiring our brains takes Time, just like it took Time to wire them in the first place.   The hard-wiring takes place over anywhere between 5 and millions of years, depending on who ya ask.   In all likelihood it will take less Time to rewire than to wire.  Good news is that the brain is incredibly elastic, and is designed to constantly be forming new neural connections.  Even people with devastating brain damage show an ability to grow new neural pathways.  Just read anything by Oliver Sacks, Dan Siegel or Louis Cozolino.  So, you see, never lose hope, never give up.  We'll all have relapses with our anger and defensiveness, but stay with it.  Not only are we innately gifted our "fight or flight" response, we're also hard-wired for growth.   Choice is ours.

Investment and Alignment part 1

Thanks to my guys from yesterday who really helped bring this out.  Hopefully our experience will be of some use to others who may also be searching.

As an Integrationist, I'm naturally curious about how multiple disciplines can illuminate The Path to Happy.  No single entity seems to have THE answer.  So, I've become a professional curator of sorts, selecting important ideas, bits of Wisdom, and all kinds of fun stuff from all over the human experience.

Two of my favorite concepts are Investment, and Alignment.  Investment is a powerful concept from the Money Realm.  It refers to what we get back in by putting something out.  It's actually very similar to our breath work in that way, and our sense of Flow.  Alignment comes from an ancient notion of our healing, and is explained best by the Chiropractic Wizards.  Simply put, Alignment refers to our ability to align ourselves with our purpose.  A healthy spine is an aligned spine.  If a disc is out of place, we will experience a world of hurt physically, emotionally, and sometimes even spiritually.  The same is true in our bodies as in our lives; if something is out of place, misaligned, we're probably gonna hurt.  The Path to Happy requires us, whenever possible to align ourselves in the strongest possible fashion.  Namely, we want to align our behaviors with our values, our time with our energy, and even align our money with our values, our time, our behaviors, and our full energetic output.  When these "discs" are stacked up nicely, and in alignment with one another, we tend to feel much better than when any one or perhaps all of those "discs" are out of whack.  

This brings us to the concept of Money.  In Eastern Medicine, they say that there are two things in life: Money and Love.  Money is everything in the material world: money, job, carreer, finance, possession, etc.  Love is all our relationships: family, friends, romance, partnership, etc.  (I usually add a third Realm, the Realm of Self, but thats for another blog)  For pretty much 100% of all the people I've met ever, "Money"  is never about money.  Money is usually misunderstood by the elders, and passed down accordingly.  What we "inherit" from our family life is not their money, but rather their money issues.  The most pervasive money issue seems to be the problem of vagueness.   

Whatever we may have learned from our families about the value of money, how to be moral, responsible, good people, is likely to be passed down non-verbally.  We just watch our parents interact and do their adult business, and we surmise vaguely how to do it ourselves.  In many cases, the lessons we learned from our parents cause us to react or rebel in such a way that we end up doing whatever the opposite of their way was.  This is about as far as many of our individuation/differentiation processes go.  We just do either as we're shown, or we rebel and do the opposite of what we were shown.  It's very rare that I talk with people who have spent a serious amount of energy, effort, time, and money healing this rift.  As such, our Money Realm stays largely in the Shadows, and is often the source of our psychic pain, as it represents a substantial 'disc' thats out of alignment with ourselves.  

This seems to be especially relevant in the work I do these days.  Certainly, I am not the first to notice the intersection of the horrible economy with a newfound need for re-evaluating our Money Realm.  Millions of people are finding out what is really important to them through this Depression.  Notice how the word 'depression' refers to both the Emotional Realm and the Money Realm.  Sufficed to say, Money is never just about money. The emotional components are essential to our sense of Wellness.  Stay tuned for more to come on Investment and Alignment. 

Emotional Literacy

       I'm often struck by the many avenues we find to (not) talk about our feelings.  And by feelings, I of course mean our experiences, our inner truth, what's happening inside of us, as well as how we feel about what is going on around us and inside of us. As a basic map to help navigate this tricky terrain, I use our 4 core emotions: Mad, Sad, Glad, and Scared.
     Here's an example excerpted from a phone conversations with my father:
          "Hey, Dad, how are you?"
          "Well, we got a new computer at the office...the pharmaceutical company... thinks
       it will replace all the previous technology... and we'll see.  I won't just abandon a system
       that's worked all these years in favor of a fancy new toy, but I am enjoying playing with the
       new toy, and soon I'll be retired anyway so it won't matter."
     Yup, heavy undercurrent, but never actually discussed directly.  His core experience is diverted away from the emotional realm , and is instead intellectualized as he begins listing "things".  How does he actually feel about becoming closer to retirement?  How does he feel about Medicine changing?  How is he feeling outside of his work life? I have no idea. And neither does he.
     What we do know about his "feelings" is that every now and then, he gets diagnosed with either some coronary blockages, a little cancer, etc etc.  His doctors say, "Watch your stress."  Very helpful to a man who does not even know he is carrying emotional stress.  He is just one, in an entire generation, in a series of generations, who was never taught the value of Emotional Literacy.
     What is the value of speaking a language of our inner experience?  Let's take a different example: a friend of mine has been dealing with a child custody case since his divorce more than a decade ago. For over 10 years, this couple has been battling it out, spending fortunes on lawyers, using the court system to act as an intermediary between the parents.  Not only are they spending time, money, energy and effort toward this conflict, but we as taxpayers, are investing our money into this court system that deals in "facts" not feelings.  How is it working?  Well, the couple is still embroiled in debate, lawyers are still making money, taxpayers are still supporting the judges who reside over the prolonged case, and actually nothing has been resolved.
     My hypothesis is that the court battle is used the same way my dad's business gripes are used-- to divert away from the core emotional reality about which we are illiterate.  When we don't deal with the complex emotional realm of divorce, and instead misuse the court system as a surrogate for our pain, the wounds remain unhealed, even after a decade has passed, and fortunes have been paid out.
     So here's the question: how different would it look if we could learn a simple language as a way to communicate directly, rather than indirectly, about the stuff that means the most to us?  How different would our relationships look? How different would our lives look? And, how different would our world look?  The question of Emotional Literacy not only affects us, but has massive implications about our planet.  Karma tells us, the sooner we can get this, the sooner we can move on to the next lesson.  Until then, we keep getting this same lesson over and over and over again.
     So, next time someone you care about asks how you're feeling, think about it for a second, tune into that inner Self, and see: are you feeling mad, sad, glad, or scared?  Maybe some of each?  Try it! It'll do your heart good.

Weekend Romance/Adventure

           It’s Saturday morning, 7am.  My body does what it does every day at 7am which is to become aware that we’ve already been awake for 45 minutes, and my mind has begun to solve things though I’m only 20% conscious.  I’m like a trauma survivor coming out of a coma after a car wreck, still having a conversation from the day before.  “Which route is best to take: the canyon or the highway?” “Did I transfer those funds?” “Damn it, the house is filthy.”  “Did I call Jen back?”  “What are we gonna do today?”  We’ve both been working, and busy, and not relaxing together. So now is the time. We must find something to do that will be both bonding and relaxing, and just for a tad more pressure, let’s make sure it’s fun!!  It’s 7:02, and I have completely sucked all the life out of the day with pressure and expectation about how we have to do x,y, and z.  OK, let’s start again.  My fiancé’s eyes aren’t even open yet, so there’s a good chance that there’s nothing to do yet.  Maybe instead of starting the day with the running to do list, we could start the day in bed, together, exactly as we are now.  Now this is what I love about love…

            From here, we make much better decisions.  We feel close and connected and anything we plan to do from this state will likely lead to greater satisfaction than if I’d been planning our day from underneath my swell of morning anxiety.  As we talk about the day ahead, we have completely different ideas about what we want to do, but it’s ok, cuz we’re feelin’ good and in love.  We can conquer anything.  Instead of fighting about whose plan is superior, and instead of compromising like adults, we turn left: Let’s just put all our little plans and ideas about our day onto paper and into a hat.  Our first ever “Choose Your Own Adventure” Saturday.  We agreed upon the number of ideas we each got to submit. It was 8am, so we each got 8 votes to cast.  It made sense at the time.  From the 16 offerings in the hat, we pulled 5.  Thus began our day of “driving up the coast to Santa Barbara,” “listening to live music,” “havin’ sexy time,” “seeing family,” and “walking around,” not in that order.  It was bliss.  If it had been solely up to us, without the merciful god of whim on our side, our Saturday would’ve been filled with laundry, grocery shopping, sleeping, being annoyed we weren’t doing more, and feeling generally quite irritated with ourselves and each other for ruining the day.  Instead, we laughed a lot.  We fell in love a little more. 

            I’m not suggesting that this recipe of live music and walking around is prescriptive or right for everyone.  It may not even be right for us on a different day.  What worked, as far as I can tell, was that we were both able to let go a little.  Let go of our anxiety.  Let go of being right or getting our way.  Let go of our routines and responsibilities, and surrender to the gods of love, all of whom, I’m pretty sure, want us to be happy, lighter, free.  You know, the way it feels to fall in love.

SAAAAAWING, AND A MISS

Nothing will push me into blogging more than this lil' nugget.
    When the news came out that Whitney Houston's body had been found (in a bathtub, in a Beverly Hills hotel, the night before the Grammy's), people were shocked. Shocked! Shocked?  I was more saddened, I'd say.  Shocked implies a moment of disbelief.   But, sadly, after spending so much of my life with addicts of all sorts, I tell ya, I believed.  Addicts die from addiction, all the time.  Not shocking, just very, very sad.
    Here's what was shocking to me: That with the sphere of knowledge Western Medicine and Modern Science have at their fingertips, they named the cause of death "Accidental Drowning."  How is it possible that in 2012, the Western World can not accurately identify the Disease of Addiction?  Sure, the DSM mentions "Alcoholism," and "Substance Abuse Disorders", and we're all very glad they took those diagnoses out of the "Personality Disorders" section a few years back.  Way to go.

    Whitney's death is about the Disease of Addiction, which kills thousands every year, and which destroys people's lives, their families, scares children, and wreaks havoc through homes and communities.  But no one talks about it.  The coroner is basically saying she died of Warm Water Asperation.  So 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now when they talk about Whitney's death the way I used to talk about and idealize Jim Morisson's death, he died in a bathtub too, by the way.   They'll say, "Yep, poor Whitney... Bathtub killed her."  And no one will learn about this disease or its treatments.  And people will continue to be forced to go to anonymous meetings and sit in crappy chairs, and drink really way too strong coffee, and hope they can find someone like them to talk to, someone who knows about this disease, because no one else talks about the truth of this illness.  And maybe if we can learn from this, people like Whitney, people who are suffering from a disease few want to recognize, they can start to heal.

    Any recovering alcoholic will tell you, and I believe this is true for us all, we are only as sick as our secrets.  So, as long as the true cause of death remains hidden by the words "accidental," "heart disease," or "sudden," these people will stay sick.  And when they stay sick, sadly, they often die.

    Not to be too hard on the West, it really was great of the Medical Staff to link Cocaine with Heart Disease.  I thought that was a great start, beginning to link diseases.  Usually the reason they miss so much is that their focus has to be so so narrow in order to be considered valid. The only problem is that when your focus is so narrow you invariably miss so much, which in my mind invalidates those findings too.  Vicious circle.  Anyway, as Maxwell Smart would say, "Missed it by THAT much".  Maybe we'll do better next time...